anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia (2)

This is a special area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia, which was then moved here. That area has become more successful more quickly than I thought. To make the comment/talk area a bit more easy to navigate, I’ve created this new area here.

A great, huge, big, humongous thank-you to all the contributors. Your fierce commitment to recovering from anorexia and your loving support for each other have truly surpassed my wildest dreams.

Please continue sharing and using this space here.

(I also know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.

However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.)

Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.

This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).

So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.

(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)

Here are a few things you may want to start out with:

  • Do you get enough support from people around you?
  • How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
  • Have you found a food plan that works for you?
  • How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
  • Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
  • How long have you been in recovery?
  • What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?

Disclaimer: This site and this page specifically are not meant to be a substitute for face-to-face professional advice. If in doubt, or in an emergency, please visit your local health professional.

(And another note: Any message on this page that seems even remotely like spam will be deleted. This is NOT a place to advertise.)

878 thoughts on “anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia (2)

  1. Olivia

    Hey, once again; haven’t updated or posted anything since my firs post but I’m the one that had all that choas at the hospital and got PECed, then let out. My dad kind of chose out patient treatment because he thoght he could solve it here but like I said earlier, if you could find my last post, I kind of kept this Dallas Children’s Hospital in the back of my mind. Well we got got couseling in town and since I got out of the hospital a while back, I’ve only seen her twice. Needless to say I don’t feel like its been working out here locally. So on thursday, I begged my parents for us to go there. They specialize in my problem, eating disorder, and have alot of cool programs; I’d get couseling everyday and be around people like me. When I told them they finally said ok. But now insurance is giving us trouble and it really upsets me. I wanted to already be admitted into the facility asap, i got my hopes up and thought i could be there by today inpatient (thats what I want). But they said the earliest they can get me in is wednesday. Im just trying to hang in but the anxiety is killing me. Here is the website to show you the facility; Like I said last time I saw what my options were here but now I want to make the move to get better and I feel this is the best place for me:

  2. carrie

    Hey guys! Sorry I havent been on here in so long.

    I really can’t believe your friends would desert you in a time when you really needed them. That’s what’s sad about the world today. Please try to find some one that you can be with when you need them. That has really helped me.
    I’ve also found that exercise can really help you feel good about yourself.
    And DON’T berate yourself. You’ve come so far and you’re so amazing at giving everyone else advice. Please focus on yourself and how much you’ve gotten better 🙂

  3. Nature

    Olivia, take a deep breath. You’ll get in, quite quickly, too. I had to wait two months to get into an ED clinic, and that was excruciating. Here in Canada the waiting lists are very long…

    Just do some breathing exercises to relax. Or meditation, listening to music, reading, etc… The time is only time, it will pass, :D.

  4. Nature

    Oopsie doop, I thought I responded to you here Carrie!

    Thanks so much for your kind words. Mood wise I am pretty good these days. Before, when something made me upset and down, I would be down for a long, long time, but now I bump up quite quickly, and that is good!

    I find walking or biking makes me feel better when I’m stressed and all, but when I’m stressed, I don’t eat because I don’t have an appetite. I know those two don’t go hand in hand together, so I must figure something out.

    How are you doing?? I hope you’re taking care of yourself. ED’s and depression are hard, but it IS beatable. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

  5. carrie

    You’re welcome! You deserve to see how awesome you have been doing and how far you’ve come! Good for you for bouncing right back. I know it’s so hard, and I can completely relate to staying down for a while. You should try to walk and bike more, since youve found that you enjoy those things. Exercise releases endorphins that naturally make you happier. You’re doing so great and I love that I have a recovery buddy who I can relate to so well 🙂 Now I just need to get on here more. haha

    Ive being doing well for the most part. I still have a lot of trouble with binging.. I don’t know why. The old me would be completely disgusted with how much I eat now. even I’m a little grossed out at how many calories I eat sometimes.

    I had been doing so good recovering from depression. I’ve been spending time with friends and family and in general Ive been happy. The other day, though, I was driving my mom and brother to dinner and my mom made a comment about me being emotionally unstable. I don’t know why, but that just got to me. After all the effort Ive put into recovering from depression and how hard Ive tried to start over, my mom casually reintroduces it into my life. I just lost it. This sounds so crazy, but it just reopened everything bad from my past. I didn’t know what to think, I just hurt inside, and I held myself back from crying. When my mom and brother went into the restaurant, I just slumped over the steering wheel and cried for ten minutes. I dont know why. I couldnt stop and all the memories from my past were just coming back to me. I had a breakdown all from that one comment. and the worst part is that she didnt even apologize. I dont know why it hit me so hard. All my memories from the past haunt me…. Im so scared Im going to relapse.

  6. Nature

    Oh my goddddd, Carrie. I thought I was some kind of crazy person on this planet for going through EXACTLY what you just went through.

    Every single time someone mentions something related to my past or something that triggers me into thinking of my past, I go down HARD. Sometimes I’m too numb to cry, but other times I just sob and sob and sob. I thought something must be wrong with me, but it’s such a relief to know that there is someone as lovely as you who understands so much!! Big sigh of relief for me! Phew!

    You have come so far, Carrie. You ARE a strong person for going through all you *have* went through. I think we really need to remind ourselves that the past is the past… it has come and gone, left its mark, of course, but the damage has already been done and we’re healing… some wounds are really deep, but time WILL heal us.

    I have like zero motivation, and I can’t even make myself go for a walk or a bike ride… I just sit at home all day… I’m really kinda bummed out… I kept going in and out of school for the last two years, and this year I just couldn’t take it anymore…. I have a personal teacher now, and I am doing two courses only atm…. I feel like such a failure. I used to get really good grades, and I was able to skate through without much studying. I still can, but I just don’t feel like doing any work… I know this is not taking me anywhere, but sometimes I just feel like a lost cause. Any ideas?

  7. Nature

    Oh, and by the way, you ARE a strong person every single day for you are facing life like a warrioress, fighting very hard to recover and be happy. You have all the right in the world to restore your body, mind, spirit, and to pursue happiness. So keep on taking care of yourself, :D.

  8. carrie

    Thank you so much for all your kind words! You really have no idea how much that means to me. Hearing that you’ve been through the same thing gives me hope that I’ll get through. I understand everythingg you just said! Ive been there too. I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to move on and youre so right, the wounds are really really deep. And I understand about being numb. There were times when I was so depressed that I didn’t feel anything. I was so sad that I couldn’t cry. I would just sit on my floor or bed and stare. I couldn’t do anything else, I didn’t have emotions. Its the worst feeling in the world…. I get it. Whenever youre feeling this way, remind yourself that you’ll get through. You have so many people cheering for you to get better and you have your whole life ahead of you. Everything will be ok 🙂

    I thought I was completely crazy for going through that too. Im so glad you can relate!

    You are not a failure! You’re the farthest thing from a failure. Look how far you’ve come! Thats definitely a success. Things happen to us for some reason, and we don’t know why. It’s amazing that you’re still working towards getting an education even with everything you’ve been through. Just remind yourself of thatt <3

    I can relate to your situation too. There was a time when I didn't care about anything. I did my work, but I didn't care about it. I didn't care about having friends or being social. It was hard, because I had always been popular and gotten straight A's and I was living such a different life just because I didn't want to do anything. Honestly, I think you should take your own advice and realize that the past is the past and we have to move on. It's gonna be hard, no one said it was easy, but just remember that everyone on this site is supporting you and we understand what you're going through.

  9. carrie

    I had another situation like that happen to me recently as well. It’s actually the reason I started writing on this site. I googled “recovering from anorexia” and I found this place. Thank God.

    I was in my psychology class and my teacher was talking about mental disorders. When he first told us that was what the new chapter was about, I got so scared. I was dreading talking about depression and anorexia. Surprisingly, he didn’t really say anything about depression. He did “teach” us about anorexia and bulemia though. When he was telling us about anorexia, he described me perfectly. He described everything I do and everything I used to do. I started shaking. I know this sounds like such an overreaction, but I felt like he knew. It felt like he knew my past, like he knew everything, and I was so ashamed. It felt like everyone was staring at me. I guess I just had a panic attack or something. It sounds so stupid now, but at the time I almost cried. I held back tears.. I was on the verge of another breakdown. I was going to tell my mom what happened to see if she would come pick me up from school, but when I called her.. I couldn’t find the words. I was so ashamed, even to tell her, so I just continued with my day. It sounds so boring and stupid, but it really hurt me.

  10. the -lost-girl

    Hi..i am new here..and surprisingly happy tat there’s someone out there who knows every single feelings i had for many years..i had anorexia since i was about twelve..but my parents dun understand all i had to fight everythg by myself..and i found this really torturing..i thk i m lost..i m 20 this year..and i stil have extreme fear about getting fat and i keep thking about food..i dunt know why i m like tis..and i hate this a lot..i need help..i m tired of controlling all these by myself..altho i m at healthy weight now but i feel fat..and when i feel fat ..everythg doesnt seems rite for me..i cant concentrate even on my studies..i feel tat i dunt know who i am..& i want to end up living like this..its really tiring..without knowing why..i always feel guilty when i eat but my mind keep on thking about food..i am so so so scare ..i dun wan to be fat..i just wanna be a healthy happy person..sometimes i can see myself binging after all those hunger..i m sooo scare..can anyone please help me??…i m sorry..thanks for reading this..

  11. aliyah

    hi hun, welcome to the site. i too had anorexia when i was 12, and im nearly 20 now…
    and let me tell you, you can recover and have a healthy relationship with food and not be fat!
    it is possible, youi have to challenge ur thoughts, especiallythe one saying’ur scared to get fat’.
    how much do u eat/ try to eat every few hours, have 3 meals , and ull start to see a difference.
    a starved mind, is an obsessive one , if u dont feed ur body ur bringing urself closer to death.
    you shud maybe go to doc and see a counceler, it does help to get feelings out.

    if u want to get truely better, u will have faith and be sstrong x

  12. Chelsea

    Welcome to the site. I understand what you are feeling. I am 23 and have had anorexia since I was 19. At first I didn’t know who to tell about my problem but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to recover alone. Thankfully my parents finally brought it to my attention and I have been seeing a treatment team for the past 18 months. Recovery is difficult but you can do it especially with great support. I also started going to OA meetings which helped my support group grow, brought out my spiritual side and has really helped me recover emotionally and mentally. Physically I am still working it as it does take time but I know that I can do it with the support that I have now. I have found a lot of inspiration from people on this site and other blogs and have even a blog of my own if you would like to follow it in case it helps inspire you!

  13. the -lost-girl

    truly thanks all here for those advices and support..i ve mood swings frequently..somedays when everythg seems right,i ll have the confidence to recover..but thr’s also somdays when i realy really feel helpless..dunno wad shud i do..sick n tired of the starving and binging’s..thanks everyone here..u guys made me feel at least there’s someone understand my feeling..i tot i was abnormal b4 this..i couldnt even figure out why all these i m from a country which anorexia arent common..nobody understand..i sincerely wish everyone here all the best in’s really a tough luck^^

  14. becky

    so i posted this on the one that says (3) too but i notice there are diff people on here and quicker replies. honestly i just need people to talk to more than anything im at a terrible place not doing so well at all so here goes i havent been on here in a while i was on a mission for a while to get better and gain some weight back start being healthier and for a while i did. like 2 weeks..then something happend and i just fell back into it all over again its like i cant get a grip on it. its been probably the most depressing 2 months ever for me..ive never been so isolated from everyone im at 96 lbs right now lightest ive ever been and you’d think id be happy about that but im still so unhappy inside. its weird to think i strive for something that still leaves me feeling so empty inside. the only thing it probably does is take my anxiety down a bit but still not totally. all i want to do is sleep now my salivary gland problem has gotten worse and its due to dehydration like taking too many water weight pills..the pain is tortue sometimes they just throb and its definitely no fun, makes my face puffy sometimes so that doesnt help either. idk what its going to take for me to finally change i need the help so bad.. i cant even hold an on goin conversation with my mom anymore with out getting so moody or cranky and its sad cause we used to be bestfriends and i know it hurts her..i try and tell myself to just be normal i just dont know how, i dont know how to feel pretty with out every bone showing i know that sounds awful but its just true..everyone tells me how beautiful i am but i just dont ever feel it i feel like im always trying to be better so i can be happy but that just never seems to happen. yet i see girls that are all sizes all the time and i never see them as ugly or fat i just see them as beautiful girls but myself …that just never seems to happen. this week ive only had 300 calories all together spread out like 70 cals a day. i cant even take a complete shower with out having to sit down and take a break it just tires me so much. i hate this i just needed to let all this out and theres just so much more i could say but that would take hours to write. i read everyones posts and i just wish i could give you all a hug it makes me so sad to read that other people feel how i do and maybe even worse? i wouldnt wish this on anyone more than anything i wish we could just all change this in the snap of a finger but thats just not possible. ive actually been talking to a special guy for about 2 months now and hes already noticed things he actually confronted me about it and more than anything i want to fix this cause of that now..i want to be able to give him my all and i cant with this issue cause it literally consumes me. i just turned 19 and i spent my bday week at the hospital getting treated for my kidneys and my glands it was no fun at all and i dont wat to go thru that again. i need to change this..i just dont know how i dont think i have the strength. plain and simple im just too scared to gain anything its a feeling that i always say i cant even explain. i really have no one to talk to about this so the emotions just always build up in me so im constantly thinking and worrying. im not the type of girl to show my emotions much any way but im working on that with this guy he actually listens and i just feel comfortable talking to him about stuff. i would talk to my mom but she’d just be hurt i know it and i dont wnt that so i just avoid the subject with her. im just tired of being tired.

  15. Jan

    Hello Becky!
    I know how tough this must be on you, but please keep fighting. This is YOUR body, and it deserves to be beautiful. I have struggled with anorexia for approximately one year. I have always been thin, but last year I lost 35 pounds. I have gained back 40 and feel better than ever. I still struggle at times, but each day gets better! I promise you that recovery is possible. You are young and intelligent, you do not need to ruin your kidneys or your glands. I can only imagine what you are going through, it is such a dark place to be. However, there is hope, you have worked extremely hard to get yourself into this hole by counting calories and loosing weight, but now is the time to get out. If you take a look at your current situation, it seems to be quite negative. You are definitely not consuming enough calories, your body is so desperate for food that your organs are not functioning properly, people notice bones instead of beauty, people who you love are hurting, and most importantly, you are unhappy. In achieving a healthy weight and consuming sufficient calories, you will feel energized, happy, your body will not suffer, and you can truely enjoy a wonderful life with your loved ones. Try to take baby steps, I know it must seem difficult, but please try! You are worth more than starvation! I know that success is possible, and the tormenting voice that constantly reminds you about weight and calories will dissappear. I wish you the best of luck, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! much love, jan

  16. becky

    jan wow 30lbs huh well congrats i wish i had the strength to do that people think anorexics are strong cuz we have so much “will power” but really i think we or ill say i am just weak cause i let the ed take over my mind. i know i need to put on the weight it just seems impossible. i try eating for a few days and by the second day i just feel so grosss i get really angry with myself and just end up going back to like 40-60 cals a day sometimes even none. i actually found out today that my bmi is 15.4 which is better than it was months ago but it just all seems overwhelming right notw. im dont even know how to be social anymore me and my bestfriend had some huge falling out 3 months ago and it hasnt been the same thats probably why i feel even more out of control. i NEED to get better I WANT TO SO BAD. why is my head so screwed up. why is it that i can only ever think about my ed or food and what 60 cal meal im allowed tmro or what exercises i will do before bedtime. im sick of this. oh and bedtime….well thats becominig hell until i fall asleep of course due to the fact that laying on my back is getting more painful every night its like this pressure on my kidneys thats just so painful i have to like lay a certain way and put a pillow under my butt for it to be easier. things are happening that just keep scaring me like sometimes when i get up from laying down i get this hott feeling in my head and this surge of pressure to it, that just started two weeks ago now that has def scared me. i just need to keep motivating myself to get better i know thaat things just seem as bad as they can get. i wanna start dancing again and i cant whcich makes it all worse..anyway sorry for writting so much it just feels better to write all this out i never really let it out writting or talking so this feels kinda good, thank jan

  17. aliyah

    becky- yes i know how u feel, exacty how. I had anorexia and bulimia for years and i went trhu the same things, i kept losing weight and never feeling better but thinking if i keep losing, ill feel happy eventually. and it never happens, and i ended up so thin i couldnt, sleep, eat, had no energy and i just wanted to die. i got out, and i REgained the weight with help from family, and frends and psychologist and im 20 now and much happier.
    a starved mind= ana thoughts, obsessive thoughts. once u start to eat, and trust me the more u eat, the thoughts eventually fade away. Recovery is not about gaining weight, its about regaining back your weight, gaining ur life back and challenging ur thoughts.
    ur body is meant to be a prticular size and shape for ur height, and its where it works best at, u need to let ur body get there, and eventaully weight stabalises, ur emtabolism speeds up and everything goes back to normal.
    dont leave it too long, dont keep punishing urself cause u dontdeserve it.if u can tell someone i would, and just fight the voice, eat and ull start to see differences, not straight away cause it will be hard and ana wil try to stop u, but u need to push past it. regular eating , dont let emotions win, because feelings are not facts

  18. becky

    so i actually ate today..i know its just one day but thats how i’ve decided to take it one day at a time. well i hadnt been to church in a while and my mom really wanted me to go with the family so this morning my brother made me some french vanilla oatmeal and toast and left it on my bed side when i was in the shower. i haadnt had oatmeal in forever probably a year and a half and it used to be my fav i know thats why he did family is doing real subtle things to try. i just stared at the oatmeal for like 10 mins before i actually ate it believe it or not but i just kept thinking about everything all you guys have been telling me on here and thats what really made me eat it. so i owe you all a huge thanks. i felt gross and my belly felt puffy after but i actually had some energy and it made me even a bit happier. sooooo i ate pretty good let me just start by saying i have not eaten this much in a day in about 10 months..oatmeal and a peice of toast for breakfast, grilled chicken breast white rice and broc for lunch frozen yogurt at marble slab and for dinner i had a bowl of cereal and some 100 cal pack short bread cookies just a few mins ago WITH some choc milk. wow i actually dont feel too guilty right now but im sure later i will. i dont think i can eat this much again tmrrw or the day after but i am going to just gonna start off slow. i need to, today was just a treat day i guess. plus everyone was like “eat this eat that” and my nephew was like feeding me yogurt i cant turn him down. and i know i know my body needs it. i havent felt this good in a while. i had a long talk with my brother (twin) idk if i mentioned this earlier but yea i have a twin. its crazy how much he can like read what im feeling and when im feeling it. i finally told him EVERYTHING today and i had never seen him cry until today. he said he knew but just didnt know how to bring it up..we talked so long and i feel i can really do this now. today i weighed myself and to my shock im at 86 right now..i though i had gained but i lost its really weird. i know thats too low its just hard to give that number up im determined though. and like i said probably 90% of the reason i ate today was you guys and yalls words of wisdom so thank yall! really i mean that <3

  19. Jan

    Girl this is amazing! I am off to bed now, but I just couldnt help but come on and reply! I am so incredibly happy for you, I almost feel like crying myself! This was a huge step and you did it! This was exactly the nourishment your body needed! You are defitely taking excellent steps towards becoming truly healthy again. As you begin to feel better, you will feel your old self coming back. You will have energy to do all kinds of things, running, sports, whatever you like! Life is truly wonderful without an eating disorder and you are doing excellent! congradulations again, I am so proud!
    love always, Jan

  20. becky

    thanks jan! i owe most of it to you and everyones support on here, especially telling me to talk to someone about it that helped alot. i literally kept replaying you’rs and other ppls words thaat yall have told me on here. who would have thought a place like this could do so much for me. over all im blessed to have family AND complete strangers caring enough to give advice and support..thanks jan !


  21. aliyah

    becky- well done! thats fab, i hope u enjoyed the food. just try to keep it up, eat as much as u can and take each day as it comes.
    keep up the good work, ur beginning ur fight 🙂

  22. courtney

    I am in the process of recovering; but I keep binging and it’s the most frustrating thing in life because I feel like I can’t control it.

  23. Jan

    Althought it may be tough at times to recover it will be such a rewarding experience. Words cannot describe how wonderful it is to be free from the chains of an eating disorder. I have so much faith in you, you are doing excellent. keep it up!

    I understand how you feel. Binging is very difficult. It is difficult because your body and mind are telling you two different things. Your body is starving and is craving food, however, your mind does not agree. The binging will not last forever, it is a temporary part of recovery. Try to work through it and do not get frustrated with yourself. With time, things will get better, you can do this. Its okay if you cant control it, there are no rules in life that way you need to control something.. what if we all decided not to control anything at all. I know it is easier said than done, but please keep trying, you are already on your way to getting your wonderful life back!

    Have a great night everyone! good luck and keep fighting!

    Love Jan

  24. aliyah

    courtney- binges is part for ecovery, i dont know how long u had ana, but the longer u starved urself , or deprived urself the longer there is going to be a period of where u want to eat a lot of food, and it naturally stops when ur body trusts u. believe me, its a goofd thing and it does stop, u have to show ur body now that ur giving it nutrition and not depriving it.
    eat regualarly every 4hours, that helos speed up ur metabolism and remember recovery is about REgaining back the weight u lost x

  25. helpless k

    hey..i m too in the process of recovery..i feel so afraid seeing myself unable to control wad i eat..i dun like the feeling of binging too..and i dunno wad shud i do..and i keep thking of food..pls help me..

  26. nikki

    Hi there;)…

    I just came across this site, and I’m so glad I found all of you! I am 30, and have struggled with anorexia since i was 12. It’s wasted a lot of years of my life: And still, I let it!

    Anyways, I started going back to my appointments, and my group, and I’m going to try to start up regular eating again… It is VERY, very hard, as all of you know, but just wanted to say that it’s nice to know that there are other people out there who ARE trying to recover… I don’t know what “recovery” is going to look like for me: I can’t really remember a time I didn’t hate myself, feel unworthy, or control my food, but I don’t want to let ED lie to me anymore… He’s already stolen away over half of my life…

    I am so proud of all of you, and I look forward to reading through all of your comments, progresses, etc… We’re not going to do it perfectly;), but i guess instead of encouraging each other on how to reinforce the eating disorder behaviors, we can fight for each other, and support each other towards recovery…

    Eating disorders are so isolating… I think it is good that we’re all reaching out to connect and heal… Anyways;), too much writing: I don’t know any of you yet, but thank you… I’ve already been encouraged to not give up today just by reading some of your posts….

    <3 Nikki

  27. aliyah

    Nikki- everyone will support u! ive been thru ana, and bulimia and recovered and i am happy to give some motivation!ana lies to everyone, your beautiful and u shud not hate urself.
    eat regularly, every 4 hours and try to enjoy the food.
    all the best x

  28. Nikki

    Thanks, Aliyah;)…

    I am looking forward to getting to know you all, and hopefully not only get support, but give support;)…

    It is so nice to hear someone say they are “recovered”… I know that doesn’t mean we’ll never struggle with it again, but it gives me hope, because sometimes, since i’ve been fighting it for so long, it feels like life could be no other way than this, you know?

    I agree: Everyone is beautiful;)… Thanks for the message… i hope you’re taking care!


  29. aliyah

    Nikki- you have been fighting it an awfully long time, and im sorry to hear its been with u so long. try to make it positive though, it made u who are u are, and what doesnt kill u makes u stronger. Try to make what u want from life now, and trust me when i saw there is another way. mind over body every time, if u really want to recover, and not get lured in by ana thoughts u need to say this to urself every single day. being positive and being with others, for support really helps.
    take care too x

  30. becky

    hey guy’s havent posted in a couple weeks last time i did i was doing a little better or getting there and i actually was eating for about a week after..but slowly all this anxiety started creeping back and it just slowly came back. i had went from about 86 to 92 in a week..i was freaking out seriously. i hate this so bad it’s like i pump my self up to do well and actiually do for a while only to fall again. so needless to say i fell back…i was determined to lose those extra pounds and i did plus more. im now at 84 and im sure this is my lightest. i got a call from a modeling show i signed up for couple weeks back accepting me but now i dont even want to do tthat..that blows my mind, its like we do this to be “beautiful” and “skinny” “accepted” but when we actually are we dont even have the excitement to do so. my parents have started to get more strict now..but im moving out in a couple weeks to my own place. im just scared that when that happens i’ll end up losing my mind. not like it’ll be much of a difference cause im hardly around my parents here but just knowing that someone is there and you cant do anything crazy if that makes sense. ive fallen so many times i just dont even feel theres hope for me anymore ..i feel as if though i will never get better like this is just something i will have to deal with forever. days just seem to go by so slow on top of all this i miss my best friend like crazy my ed is the reason we dont speak much anymore and this just sucks. i just needed to let all of this out..and to you girls who are on that right path keep going dont let anything tempt you to stop. i just wish wish i had some actual help but that seems impossible. i cant even remember the last time i had my period either whic is pretty scary but its like at the same time that means i know im losing weight and being unhealthy..idk my mind just seems so screwed up lately. i cant even think right….and now im just babbling.

  31. the-lost-girl

    hey,becky..stay strong..keep on going no matter wad…neva give up..i really understand how u re feeling now..i m struggling very hard and i m in the same situation with u too..i m tired of this ed thingy and i dun even know wads the reason i had this..=(

  32. Jan

    Hello everyone!
    Today I decided to watch a short video about upcoming spring fashions. While watching, I couldnt even focus on the beautiful clothes.. I was too busy looking at the anorexic models. It really hurt me to watch this. I just cant believe that an industry of beauty uses girls with anorexia or other eating diorders to showcase their work. I am just so sad to see all of these amazing young women dying to be thin.

    Dear Becky,
    THERE IS HOPE! you can do this girl! please please please keep fighting. The journey is so long and painful, but if you can recover you can truly gain back your wonderful life. With regards to you moving out.. you can still be successful with your eating disorder. Keep taking things one day at a time, try to make each day better. Dont stress about the weight gain in one week, its really just a symbol of how underweight your body truly is. It is exactly what your body needs. It is so important that we all stay healthy now and in the future. Really, why should we define ourselves based on a number.. we are strong, intelligent, beautiful women who dont need to let the scale control us. Sorry I dont have time to write more, Im running late, but please everyone keep going, you are all gorgeous and can get through this!

    love you all, Jan

  33. Olivia

    Well, this saturday I will be discharged from children’s medical center in dallas. I’m back home right now in Bossier City, Louisiana because I got yesterday, today, and tomorrow off in order to transition back to school to see how that goes. I am really happy to be ack home and that I am getting out of treatment but I still stuggle with having disordered eating and wanting to slowly eat less and less. I had my eating disorder for such a long time and used it to fill a hole in me for so long, and now I guess its really confusing to find something else that brings me just as much satisfaction, without doing something that is harmful to myself.

  34. Sarah

    hey everyone, reading your stories have made me feel so happy and sad at the same time, sad you all are dealing with this but happy because it seems like this is really helping alot of people. I’m 5’6 and 95 pounds right now. My mom weighs me every 2 days and iv been grounded, no going out or phone, for about 2 weeks now. They dont know im 95 pounds. Before they weigh me in the morning i wake up and drink 64-128 ounces of water, which it 4-8 pounds worth, Doing this makes me really dizzy and it makes my stomache sting. it also ruins my apetite. It all seems so counterproductive however i feel its the only way, they’re overreacting anyways because im not even dangerously underweight. Every night they push me to eat more and my moms been watching what goes on my plate every second of every day. Then at night she yells at me for being bossy and picking up the house copulsively, but i cant help it!! i cant eat unless everythin is perfect and the pillows are in the right place and the dishes are in the dishwasher and the counters are clean and the floor is spotless. I even have to clean out a few cupboards or so if i eat too much in one sitting or if im eating to much in any given hour. Its all so confusing because i dont want to worry them anymore by being existant, it seems like iv always been a huge source of stress and unhappiness on them both which is unbearable because i love them with all my heart, they buy me books to read and try to understand all of this but nothing makes it stop. Ill go in the kitchen to get a bunch of food to finally gain weight but i feel like im just wasting their money and raising their hopes for nothing. I tries to kill myself once in 9th grade, it was a half-hearted attempt though, just took like 5 of these pills i found, all they did was make me sleep and taste stuff weird for about a month. Iv been thinking about it so much but i know if i do that then the family will just be even more stressed out and my parents will blame eachother and end up getting a divorce. im so stupid i just wish it would all go away but i cant get my brain to get the whole “they’re only mean to you because your no fun to look at, stop stuffing your face and do something useful”. please give me advice on how to handle this ):

  35. aliyah

    fnally! sorry my comments havent been workng for ages.

    sarah- hi, lsten i know how that feels. your parents are being pushy and demanding only for a reason- they love you and hate seeing you the way you are. they dont want you to be ill or have problems wth so sorry that you tred to commt sucde, but that is NOT the answer. your parents will be heartbrokken and never forgve themselves. you dont want that do you?
    when you dont eat rght, your mind is ill, its malnourished and you dont think clearly. its true, the less u eat the worse it gets, more intrusive thoghts, more unhapiness, more obsession. Its all lies and ts all ana, ana is just a slow death.
    you need to start eating, recovery is the only route out of this.
    you need to thnk of the future, what do u want n life? what do u want to do? where do u want to go? and use that as a motivaton.dont listen to ana and get better. it can be done, and we wll support you!

  36. Sarah

    aw thank you so much, its odd how obvious things like that are so fogged until they’re told straight to your face (: i think i am recovering, iv been eating 2000 calories a day for about a week now and have gained about a pound, mostly healthy foods haha not gaining it all on icecream and whatnot. This would be a good thing but my mom weighs me every other day and i get in trouble if my weight hasnt gone up, but weights really dont work like that and its all just so stressful. I know they’re trying to help though, they’re just people not phyciatrists and they’re diong the best they can to handle this the only way they know how.

    I just really wish my mom would stop telling other people about, she treats me like some gossip toy and whenever we g out all i hear is “so iv heard from your mom your not eating….” and then all day they just join in on pushing food in front of my face. Were going out to visit my family in utah this weekend and shes already told all of them, it makes me feel like i have a pressure to be anorexc now because if shes going to make everyone around us worry about me i might as well give them something to worry about. It sounds bad but thats just how my thinking is going, i dont want to get there and have everyone go “oh…well she definitely doesnt look anorexic”

    Anyways my dad bought me this book called “Biting Anorexia” and it really helped me i would suggest it to anybody who wants to try to understand their disease and make sense of all the voices. Warning to people about this one book called “Wasted” though, everything iv heard about it is bad, its supposed to be a really triggering book and from all the stories iv read they hit their lowest weights reading that book. thank you again aliyah (: its nice to have someone to talk to without worrying about who else these words are going to reach.

  37. aliyah

    hey yeah no problem! i know exactly how you feel. i had anorexia and bulima since was 13, and im 20 now! it took me a lomg time to recover but now i eat whatever i want, whenever and my weght is stable. yes have gained weght but im not fat. and you wont get fat. recovery is about regaining weight your not actually gaining any and what do u gain s our life back!
    as for pushy parents, i think thats very common in ed’s. all i can say is just eatand maybe tell ur parents, have a heart to heart, open up a little bt and tell them how this doesnt help….
    my mum was the same. but it doesnt mean u cant recover. you caan and you WILL. eat regularly and eat as much as u can 🙂 but ENJOY the food and tastes, and vary the diet 🙂

  38. Sarah

    woww you are so strong! its so hard to ignore the urge to just take off one piece of meat or dilute something with water before eating it -.- your right though, hopefully i can learn to eat care freely one day, i still count calories like a mad woman and have to do a few certain excercises before getting any sleep but hopefully itll pass. did you have to see a phyciatrist to be able to stop?

  39. aliyah

    obsession gets better as you eat more. a starved mind is an obsessve mind! theres a famous experment where guys restricted their food intake a lot and, the became very obsessive and also when u dont eat , certain reward circuts in your brain is trggered which gve u that ‘high’ from not eatng. its dangerous, u need to know that eatng is the way to beat ana!
    i went to a psychologist for a while, got weigh ins. but to be perfectl honest it didnt help me much, because she just focused on weight. Instead i used ths site a lot, made friends from here got a lot of support and i studied everything to do wth anorexia and eating disorders and i am doing psychology at uni!

    start to lessen the night time exercuses and replace it with a snack. good luck x

  40. Sarah

    ohh that makes sense.because i always feel like i have to do something to earn what i eat, like before each meal i usually do at least 1 chore or something physically demanding to kind of counter balance it. Thats cool thank you so much your really an amazing person sharing your experiences and helpong other people get through this (: glad you could get over it. wow that doesnt sound helful at all lol i dont like people thinking its about weights because its really not, its just a habit that you build and its really hard to break, like gambling or alcoholism.

    Good luck in college! im taking phyc next year too but just at high school so its not going to really be anything compared to what your doing xD thank you, youv been a great inspiration and really convinced me that eating is the right thing, no matter what my mind is telling me (:

  41. aliyah

    awww no problem sarah! ill always be here for you . and i was gna ask u f u had facebook? x

  42. jilly

    hey sarah, aliyah is right!! i had CRAZY obsessions because i depleted myself so much. i couldnt fall asleep without my exercises and sometimes if i thought about a certain exercise it meant i had to get down on the floor and do it right away. this continues to happen for a while but little by little it just stated to seem stupid. now, i still do exercises but not in a crazy way. i really cant tell you how my obsessions stopped…it must have just been good nourishment and finding outlets like volunteering. i had a therapist and physiologist but they didnt do much for me. but at meals my mom and i play board games! its so much better! i still have urges to cut out foods that dont mean anything to me…but then i go and eat something i actually like in place of it usually. little by little things will fall into place if you just keep going

  43. Ness

    My name is Ness. I am a Chef, a baker and a vegan. I have battled with bulemia since the age of 15. And yet I remained a hefty 210 lbs (on my 5’3″ frame). I struggled to understand why I was still so fat, and then one day I stopped throwing up, I started exercising every day and eating very healthy food. I started counting calories, and joined a gym, and I looked fantastic.
    And then it just kept going, and I just could not stop. Day after day spent walking all over the city and then going to the gym, all the while working 8 hour days in the classrooms (kitchens) at school. I graduated on August 18th, 2009 at 5’3″ and 86lbs. My skin was grey, and my hair was falling out, but I still loved myself.
    I am an anorexic chef, and I’m sitting here on my 22nd birthday, one year into recovery and I can’t help but think that maybe I don’t want to recover. Perhaps everything was better before. I don’t remember a life without an ED. It has become all that I know.

  44. aliyah

    ness that is such a sad story. in a way i know how u feel, as i had bulimia and from that developed anorexia. however, i have recovered from it, from as much as that i can enjoy food, eat out, i am not afraid of gaining weight and i know i look better/
    you can escape froma life with ed, u honestly can. do u htink ur profession of being a chef has played a part? why dont u try something else? and start to eat healthy like u used to, eat regulary, REgain back some weight and be strong. you will get through this:) dont let ana destroy anything. it only gets worse, ana is just a slow death

  45. Ness

    Aliyah you seem to know everything. I do eat healthy, I did regain weight, and my profession is not really the problem, as I have tried many things (forensic science, theatre, personal fitness training…). I recently realized why I am so unsatisfied and unhappy, and it’s just because I refuse to live for myself. I live my life for every other person around me. I lived my life for anorexia, but there is so much more to live for – because I can live for me now.

  46. aliyah

    aw ness thats so sad, dont live ur life to please people all the time, you need to be a bit selfish sometimes. Live for you

  47. love


    I’m new to this and needed to find something to let my feelings out. I went to a therapist which really helps but now I need a nutritionist. I’m 16, 5 3 and im around 97 pounds. My dr and parents tell me I need to gain weight and I know I do, but its just so hard. I constantly count calories and it sucks. Since april I lost 18 pounds, I feel amazing and don’t want my body to change. How do I go with the whole weight gain thing?

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