anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia (3)

This is a special area for people who want to have a small, intimate place to discuss anorexia. It was born via the rather long comment section in an article here on this site about 10 activities that help with recovering from anorexia, which was then moved here and then here.

A great, huge, big, humongous thank-you to all the contributors. Your fierce commitment to recovering from anorexia and your loving support for each other have truly surpassed my wildest dreams.  This is what I wanted when I first created this site!  I am humbled and honoured.

Please continue sharing and using this space here.

(I also know there are other sites out there who are very good at helping people with anorexia talk to each other; Somethingfishy is the best example. I certainly don’t want to take away from sites like this; they’ve proven invaluable for people who are trying to overcome anorexia.

However, for those of you who want to stay here, I’d like to provide this space where you can talk.)

Please be aware that this area is visible to anyone who cares to visit; if privacy is important to you, please use an alias.

This is a place of support and respect, a place for sharing your journey in recovering from anorexia. I will remove any comment that is disrespectful or unsupportive (and, of course, any and all spam).

So … go to it! And if you want to follow the conversation, please don’t forget to make sure you’re subscribing to the comments.

(Btw, if you’re interested to hear what has been written on this blog on anorexia so far, here is the list.)

Here are a few things you may want to start out with:

  • Do you get enough support from people around you?
  • How do you deal with the roller coaster of recovering from anorexia?
  • Have you found a food plan that works for you?
  • How do you feel with the feeling of self-loathing that sometimes come up?
  • Do you have tips for finding (and staying with) the right therapist?
  • How long have you been in recovery?
  • What do you do when you can’t stop thinking about the food/weight?

Disclaimer: This site and this page specifically are not meant to be a substitute for face-to-face professional advice. If in doubt, or in an emergency, please visit your local health professional.

477 thoughts on “anorexia talk – for people recovering from anorexia (3)

  1. Kaily

    Me too Kayla…..I´m on a dietplan now. 1600 cal. I get so tired after every meal. HATE THIS. Is it normal to get so effin´exhausted???!

  2. Justin

    Kayla – Someone posted something earlier that might help:

    “…I feel so bad that you’ve been dragged back into this horrible disorder. I remember being where you are now. Its not a good place to be. And thinking back I’m like, why did I torture myself so much? You dont deserve to feel that way. You deserve to feel happy and healthy, full of energy and life. You must try and get your weight back up before any more long term damage is done ! I believe in you. I know how hard it is to fight against it. Although I’m a healthy weight now, I still have thoughts about going back to my old ways. Its so not worth it. I love being able live my life! Have friends! Be with my bf! Know that my parents aren’t worried. Do normal thingss! I’m just back from a musical festival which was awesomee! I love music and ana even took that from me! Last year I missed the U2 concert because I was too frail and wasn’t allowed! But I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway, because ana doesn’t let you enjoy anythingg. She takes everything from you. Noone wants that? You cann beat thiss !!x”

    Good advice, I’d say. I wonder if this person has any advice for someone who feels a bit out of place in this forum. Out of place not because he has an eating disorder, but because *he* has an eating disorder.

  3. Kayla

    Oh yeah I posted that ! I know Its so easy to forget the advice I give to others 🙁 ! I do feel a lot better and am loving life a lot more. But I still hate my body, and I dont think that will ever change.

    Justin you’re so sweet! You shouldn’t feel out of place. Technically I’m “out of place”, considering I dont actually have an eating disorder anymore. I’m a healthy weight. I eat loads. I dont over exercise anymore. Yet I still come on here for help… What’s your story? We’re all here to help.

  4. Kayla

    Oh and Kaily, its normal to feel tired after meals. I had that too when my food intake went up. Its just becoz your body isn’t used to it. Hard to believe but you’re body uses up a good bit of energy just digesting your food. Everyone gets tired when they eat a big meal. Your body will adjust to the amount your eating and it’ll go away. 1600 is still pretty low, you need a lot of calories to gain weight. Are you seeing a dietician? you should keep adding on to that until your gettin at least 2000. But even still, to gain and to get all the nutrition back that you’ve probably lost you should eat between 2000 and 3000. I know it seems a lot but if your really underweight you need it. Are you near a healthy weight yet?

    I eat roughly 2000 a day. sometimes less. And I’ve maintained for months now. I really wish I could lose a bit, but this is obviosly the weight I’m supposed to be if I’ve stopped gaining and stayed at this. I’ve gained 20kg!!!! in less than a year. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes I’m proud of myself for it. I still have the constant battle in my head. But the more you ignore the ED voice, the quiter it becomes. I’m in the right mind again and I know that I need to eat. Denying ourselves of food is just not natural! We should listen to our bodys more. Listen to our own mind more. This is your life, not ana’s, not any doctor, not any family or friends. You need to get better for you. Its the only way you can beat it for good. I chose recovery for my family’s sake, but to continue and get rid of it for good, I had to do it for me! That’s important.

    Sorry I’ve went on a bit much there aha! Once I get started I just need to let it all out!

    Hope your all ok xx

  5. Kaily

    Thank you Kayla. It´s good to know it´s normal to get so tired. Jup, I´m seeing a dietitian, and she´s like “we have to increase your intake NOW” and I´m like “PLEASE GOD NO, let´s wait another week”…I´m 13kg away from my healthy weight now.
    All I do is eat. I´m trying not to freak out, but I feel so guilty for eating.

    YOU should be soo proud of yourself for what you have achieved! I don´t even know you, and I´M proud of you;D Keep it up!

  6. Holly

    Hiya
    my name is holly
    i had an anorexia relapse which started about two/three months ago , i went from 8 stone 12 to 8 stone 3 , i know thats not very lght but i lost the weight in a fast amount of time
    then for one week i binged because i was made to eat by someone close to me i broke down and told them what happened and as a result they wanted to help me by making sure i ate .

    i ate normally for the first few days but then i binged on at least over 500o calories a day for about a week something happened and i just couldnt stop , iv put on a stone in 8 days , its all around my stomach though im bloated and i look about 6 months pregnant , i no its my fualt and what do i expect when i ate so much after weeks of starvation , but im so depressed i just want to go back to my old ways , is some of this weight gain water? how long will it last im totally going insane here

  7. Kayla

    Yeah dont worry Holly, most of that weight will be water. I know you feel terrible for binging. But its a normal reaction. You obviously needed it after depriving yourself for so long. If you continue to lose weight, binging will keep occurring. Thats one of that main reasons I wanted to get to a healthy weight. The bulimic phases I went through were the worst part of the illness. Its so mentally and physically distressing.

    Dont freak out, its only one week of overeating, it wont make a huge difference. Technically its not overeating though, if your compensating for the undereating. Dont go back to your old ways. Before you do anything drastic again. Ask yourself why you want to go back? Will it make you happier? Will it make you a better person? Will it make you look better, or feel better? I would say the answer is definately no! If anything it will do the complete opposite. You become miserable. You end up not being the best person to be around. You’ll look ill and feel ill. So why would anyone chose that path? Well, for a short term lift. You’ll feel better about yourself for a while, but it doesn’t last and you end up feeling worse. Its a drug that we all need to avoid. A terrible addiction that will ruin our lives if we let it take over. It’s probably harder to get over than any other addiction to get over. Since food is a part of everyones lives every single day. But I believe you all can do it. We all need to chose the right path. Chose life xxx

  8. Kayla

    Kaily don’t feel guilty for eating. You need it and you deserve it. You may feel as if all you do is eat. But think about the amount other people eat. You try and increase you intake a little at a time. It’ll be hard at first but it’ll eventually become the norm. Try adding things in more discreetly that won’t make you feel too overwhelmed. Like some extra oil when cooking. Or a bit more cereal for breakfast. Or drink fruit juice instead of water. Go for nice cheese dish rather than plain chicken or something. Just examples, since I dont really know what stage your at and what your eating at the moment. What is your diet plan at the moment if you dont mind me asking? x

  9. kaily

    That´s a good way to do it, thanx. I might try, haha.
    I´m a bit paranoid about posting my diet plan cuz I don´t want anyone to recognize me here. I could mail it to you if it would help you in any way..? I eat four main meals plus my veggies in between. And my dietician made alternatives for dinner and lunch, so I can vary(:
    How´s your day?

    Holly; as Kayla said, it won´t make much of a difference but I know it feels awful anyways…I´m sure you have heard it a hundred times before, but maybe you should try eating 6-7 small meals a day so you won´t get that urge to binge?

    Hope you feel better.

    x

  10. Amy

    I have been doing great recently until today and I blew it:( I had 2 bowls of cereal for breakfast. Two slices of toast, a yoghurt and a twix bar for lunch and then a snickers bar… its only 3pm.. this was in 3 hours. I ate ALL that!! I don’t want to have dinner now because I will prob gain weight. I prob hav gained weight from eating so much in so little time…will it all just store as fat?Im stressin out:(

  11. jilly

    amy, let me just tell you that EVERYDAY i eat a big 1 1/2 cup bowl of cereal, an English muffin with lots of jelly, and juice. for lunch i eat a high cal power bar, fruit, milk, cheese stick, and maybe a little bit of crackers…and im maintaining because i made it to a place where my body is much more stable. please dont stress about over eating. let me assure you that its much better when you get to your correct weight and its much easier to maintain. say for instance last night i had a huggge snack after kayaking with my dad and i knew i over did it…but i just think oh well it was one night and thats not gonna make an impact on my life. if i did that everynight, id beging to gain like a pound or two in a month. Remember that when your body is healthy food will matter much less..trust me just last may i was a disaster and now im so much happier (i still do feel bad a little but its much less of a problem)

  12. Rose

    Hi, i’m rose.
    I was on another page but then it got too full…
    so, hi!

    just need a little rant.
    I feel so bad right now. I’m still a good few kilos off my healthy weight, but i just look and feel terrible. at the minute, my sister is in hospital for depression, and i’m not allowed to see her. i was looking forward to taking my nephews out tomorrow too, and that isn’t happening anymore. I just feel so alone :/
    everyone thinks i’m better now (apart from my parents) like my friends who just think i’m stupid, but i’m not better. far from it. I feel like no one understands me at all…
    I was away like all week and I felt so homesick that I burst in to tears. and now that i’m back, I still feel homesick, even though i’m at home. I don’t understand. Everything just seems pointless and like i’m not worth everything.
    blewhitojkw

    xxx

  13. Kayla

    Aw Rose I’ve had that. Being away and feeling homesick and then you get home and still feel out of place. I’m not really sure how to describe it. I think it just shows that you’re not quite content with your life and stuff at the moment.
    I know the feeling when you seem worthless and there’s no point in living to. I still have those moments sometimes. Noone knows the real meaning of life, thats up to you to decide. But for me life is about love, happiness, achievments, fun… and you cant have any of that with an ED.

    Amy- Nah a one off like that wont just store as fat. I used to think like that. I used to imagine the calories I ate just turning into fat and finding a spot on my body and staying there. But I know now thats just stupid. I know it feels terrible after eating a lot. I’ve been there, and still do have those days, even thought I’m a healthy weight. But everyone does it. Some people might have days when there not really hungry so they eat less, then they might have a day they just eat a LOT, but they wouldn’t think twice about. However with us its stuck in our mind for ages until we either burn it off or restrict again. Jilly’s right, it would only have an impact on your weight if you ate too much every single day for a while.

    And kaily thats ok you dont have to post you DP if your not comfortable with it. I was just curious n thought I could help you add a few things in. Its fine though I’m sure you dietician will help with that.

    xxx

  14. Holly

    Im so depressed , this is my first 2weeks of eating and i have put on a stone and a half in 2 weeks!! i wasent even underweight so this sucks!
    i look 6 months pregnant
    i keep binging on the most unhealthiest carbiest foods ever which makes me give up hope that ill never loose this stomach
    i want my flat one the one b4 the eating disorder!
    i wish i never got in this ruck!#i wish i never had ppl who care about me cuz i cud just return to my old ways
    and it is what i want! because i no i have a problem but im not ready to let go and i feel so down because of the effect on my stomach its just a stone of fat! i have to wear baggy tops to hide it when will it go!
    i cant stand it i just have no hope or motivation i just want to curl up in a ball and hide
    i wish it never gotten a hold of me i thought i could control it!

  15. Bri

    Holly- Don’t get too down about the sudden weight gain, I promise you that this is all water weight and it will eventually go away and you will probably lose a lot of that new weight! Just keep eating though as restricting will only mess up your metabolism more. Good luck, and be strong! Eating is putting yourself in control!

    Hey everyone. I’m just wondering if anyone here has any experience of hospital treatment for anorexia that they wouldn’t mind sharing? I’ve been struggling with anorexia and I can’t seem to fight it with the help of the local ED help community team and I’ve been manipulating the scales the last few weeks and lost a lot in the meantime. Today they weighed me again as they saw that my physical health didn’t match with the ‘weight gain’. Turns out they think hospital treatment is neccessary and I’ll be going within the next week. I have mixed feelings about this… Just have a few questions:

    What sort of meal plan should i expect to be started with and how will it increase? (and what type of food can i expect to get/will i get a choice?)

    How much weight will I be expected to gain weekly? (I found gaining just 0.2 kilos terrifying!)

    How long will I be kept there

    What sort of things can you do to occupy yourself?

    Will they allow visits from friends as well as family? (my mum says she will drive them to see me <3)

    Any other information is welcome as well, I just want to be as prepared as possible before I go. Thanks in advance! x

    (And just in case it helps to answer any questions i am currently 17 yo, 94 lb and 5"7 but losing quite quickly so it will prob be a bit lower by the time I get there, which i know is a negative outlook but i guess this is why they have made this decision.)

  16. aliza

    hey everyone, im sorry i havent posted in a while:(

    bri, im sorry i havent been in the hospital. theyve threatened to put me in the hospital, so i started eating alllooott, and gained weight, it was so hard:(
    but im sure you can fight through it because remember that youre in there for your health. you need to be in there because you need help and taking help is fine.

    holly, ive been there big time. i remember when i decided i ws going to begin eating again, i threw in lunch supper and dinner 800 calories. i thought it was so much, and i was so bloated. but something that helped me was drinking water. and i would also go on facebook and look at CURRENT pictures of me. i looked so small, and if i looked down on my body at the moment, i looked gross. its in your mind, girl. i eat so much junk food, and cant stop gaining weight. the clothes that i was wearing are now wayyy too small to fit into.
    depression definatly happens when you have an ed. definatly. it was the hardest part for me, i would eat a cake for a relief from that depression. i was in an extreamly dark place in my life, people thought i was on crack. you can fight this. i believe in you. you have no idea how much potential you have. you are beautiful and amazing and deserve to be happy again!!

    🙁 ive officially gained 12 pounds after my dietitan told mei could stop. that is a total of 30 pounds..:(
    im gonna go eat some banana bread;p

  17. Leelu

    Hey Bri.
    I was put in the hospital at the beginning of this year. Each hospital is a bit different, but I’ll try to answer some basic questions for you.
    I know the hospital may sound scary, but for me personally it was a life saver. I would never have been able to drag myself out of my ED and break the habits i had developed without the hospitalization.
    I can’t really give you any specifics on the food in the particular hospital you are going to because i really don’t know. As i said, it varies. All i can say is that they started me on what they called “half a portion” and slowly increased it from there. At first the full portions look HUGE so try not to focus on that but concentrate on taking it one step at a time.
    I don’t want to scare you but you will probably be expected to gain 0.5 kg per week.
    In some hospitals they kind of leave the gaining rate up to you, but the length of your hospitalization depends on how fast or slow you gain the weight, so pretty soon you’ll actually be TRYING to gain weight as opposed to being scarred of it.
    Things to occupy yourself – I personally took a lot of books to read, arts and crafts and good too. Anything that distracts you is good.
    I’m pretty sure that family members are allowed to visit, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

  18. jilly

    bri, i too got admitted to a hospital after going a good 6 months “trying” to recover (actually getting worse). The thing is, i think i did need the hospital to jump start my recovery, even though it was the toughest time of my life.
    the place i went to was like this:

    -You were expected to eat EVERYTHING on your plate and if you didnt then you had to drink a nutrition shake. if you refused that then you got tube fed.
    -Meal plans were mostly determined by dietitians for adolescents , but some older teenagers and adults got to choose their meals from a small selection. the was bfast,lunch,snack,dinner,snack with group therapy, activities and free time in between.
    -my mom and dad visited me everyday (but i was so nasty to them because i was always grumpy and angry at them at the time) my friends came but i got a hall pass so they didnt come into the ward b/c they were too young
    -i slept A LOT. when you begin eating again you get soooo tired its crazy. otherwise i brought puzzle books. no magazines allowed along with a ton of other stuff. i drew pictures , made TONS of bracelets, made a ton of friends, and we bonded a lot. i reccomend keeping a journal because i didnt and i regret it. also, maybe plan a project or long activity: write a story, make a portfolio, read a lot.
    -when i got in i thought i was staying for 3 days at most…i was there 3 and a half weeks. some stay a week, some stay 3 months.
    -the more you cooporate the faster you leave. but dont cooperate just to get out of there or else its for nothing.
    -i was expected to gain 2 pounds a week, but the first week or so i didnt gain ANY because my metabolism was still trying to catch up (thats why i was so tired)
    – i felt like a monster , like i was expanding by the second and i was freaking out there. it was so hard but its SO necessary for many people. i was scared that all the girls (and guys) that were there would be phyco and creepy but EVERYONE was sooooo awesome and i miss them all so much. that was the best part.

    -best of lick, hang in there and remember…i was in your shoes last february and now here i am so happy and much healthier. if your family pushes you beyond your limits, you will get better…even if you dont want to (i didnt want most of the time). after hospital will be so tough too but theres a light at the end of the tunnel-i would know , im two feet away from that light.

  19. Leelu

    Hi girls.
    I’m in a very tough situation right now. I was hospitalized at the beginning of the year and spent 3 months in the hospital. Once i got out I really tried to “stay better” but i ended up relapsing in about 3 months. Right now I’m trying to gain the weight at home but it’s VERY hard for me.
    I strongly feel that another hospitalization won’t benefit me, but I do miss having people around me that understand what I’m going through. My family cares about me a lot and tries to help in whatever way they can, but they don’t know much about this and a lot of the times end up making things worse, rather then better.
    All that to say I was wondering if there was anyone else out there in my shoes who wanted to get in touch. We could support each other in our efforts to recover. I would just really appreciate having someone to talk to that understands.
    Well if anyone’s interested pls contact me at im_high_on_music @yahoo.com

  20. jasmin

    hey
    reading all your experiences makes me feel
    that i not alone with my ed
    i can relate to all of you girls
    right now ill say im in a better place than i was
    i mean i eat twice a day when like 2009 i barely ate once
    it felt pretty terrible to eat because i would throw up most of what i ate but it was not because i wanted to be skinny ill throw because i was not used to eating
    so now im definately better i dont puke as much but i still feel so bad
    i mean i really have to push myself to eat still
    its kind of bittersweet because i healthier
    but i still have this adversion with food constantly
    this is like the first time ive ever said anything about my ed
    it like my battle
    anyways thanks for listening and i hope all of get to the place you want to be at
    good luck

  21. kaily

    I am so confused right now. I´m eating ike 300 cal more than before, my diet plan has 1600 calories (I cheat, but not more than by 100-200 cal pr day), and I have LOST another kg. Even though all I do is eat. All the time, eat eat eat.

    I can´t seem to let myself gain. And life is pretty miserable right now because of it…

    Just needed to get that out.

    Hope you´re all full, healthy and happy;D

  22. Kayla

    Hey bri! Sorry to hear you need to go into hospital :(!.. I was never in a proper eating disorder clinic, but I was in a medical ward for 3 days! They dont really know much about ED’s in ordinary hospitals, in was more just to keep an eye on me and make sure I didn’t die or something! I was put on a drip just to rehydrate me. But even though I wasn’t in a specialist ward, being in the hospital was the wake up call I needed. I remember looking round the room and seeing all these old women and then me, a 17 year old girl looking just as frail and ill as they did. Getting up to go to the toilet and having to trail my fluids along beside me, attatched to my right arm! I remember them looking at me, probably thinking I’ve been unfortunate like they have. But the guilt swarmed inside me, I knew I had done this to myself. I felt so terrible. How could I waste all the great health I had that so many poor souls would love to have. They have no choice! I did have a choice and thats when I decided I was going to get better.

    I was transferred over to a mental unit for 1 nite 🙁 a time I’d rather not recall! But I was supposed to be transferred again after that to a specialist hospital(the priory), however I couldn’t get the funding. It was either stay in that horrible mental placee!!(makes me mad that they put me there), or go home on pass and prove to my parents I would eat. Luckily I had made my decision to get better and didn’t have to go back. Bri, your lucky to have the treatment avaible for you, but you have to go in and think I’m here to get better. Better for life! Not just until you get out.
    Although I never went to one, I have been told a lot about them. I was told they start you off on half portions then build it up. Then you could eventually be eating 3000 odd calories to gain. Possibly more depending on metoblism. You would have a set time to finish meals and snacks. eg. half an hour to eat your dinner, and if you dont finish it in the time, they take it away and give you a fortisip(meal supplement). No exercise. You would probably earn things by how well you do. If you gain the right amount etc you’d maybe be allowed out a walk. You would do meal time management sessions, where your parents would come and eat with you. You probably wouldn’t have a choice of food at first, but through time they would let you. All places will have different rules though. And yes, keep a journal. Or even, just have a book to scribble what you thinking or feeling. I done that and it really does help clear your mind.

    Sorry for the long post. Just thought I’d share with you my experience and what I know about ED units xx

  23. aliza

    i feel sooooo fat and soooo useless and im officially a healthy weight and have never felt fatter!!!!
    i just want to lose weight. i it possible for someone to run 5k a day and still gain weight, because that is what im doing!!!!
    ive gained 10 pounds in about a month!!! this is crazy!! im allowed to stop gaining weight, so why havent i stopped!!??!!!
    THIS IS BULLSHIT!! they all told me that i would be able to stop gaining weight!! everyone lied!!! everyone!! i told them my fears, and they said that they wouldnt happen!! i trusted them and now im fat again
    !!!!!!!:(

  24. Kaily

    My nutritionist wants me to increase my daily calorie intake to 2100 cals per day AND NOT EVEN DECREASE AFTER I´VE REACHED MY HEALTHY WEIGHT. It sounds insane, doesnt it?

    I read about all these people eating 1500 a day, like that´s what´s normal. So why can´t I? I understand that it takes a lot of calories to gain, but when i´m at my healthy weight, I don´t want to keep gaining!

    This is scary.

    I´m eating 1600 a day now, until next week. will i gain like mad when I add 300 cals?

    I don´t think most people eat 2100, or whatever, a day. I want to be healthy AND slim.

    🙁

  25. amy

    hey guys… i was doing so well but today i had a really big binge.. I feel terrible. I had like 30 small biscuits..half a pack of walnuts, 2 slices of toast, 1 bowl of cereal and a bbq for dinner.:( will i gain weight from eating all this in 1 day? H0w r u all?:) xxx

  26. Kaily

    Amy: No hon, you wont. It´s not possible. You would have to eat that much for at least one week to gain anything at all. Don´t worry.
    Besides…Is that what you had all day? I´m no expert, but I think thats what “normal people” eat all the time.

    xx

  27. aliza

    amy, dont worry, my brother eats 3 times that and he’s 12 years old:p
    kaily, 1500 calories isnt normal. these people that your reading about, are they incredibly short? or really huge and need to lose weight? or maybe theyre suffering from an ed as well? maybe a model?
    but 1500 or 1600 calories isnt normal for an everyday life. eating 2100 calories is a good amount for you to slowley gain weight, but this weight you gain is going to be gained in muscel, because youre doing it so slowley. it wont come as a shock to you.
    youre a beautiful gorl, and youll be healthy ad beautiful if you trust your body.:)

    xoxo, aliza

  28. Justin

    male; 29; 6’1″ or 2;” 125 lbs (in u.s. – have no clue how to convert to your “stones”). The weight is accurate as of my last doctor’s visit a week or so ago – doctor’s visits being the only occasions on which I weigh. Initially, I thought this best, given that frequent weighing could be dangerous. A pound gained would become 2 lost, overcompensation, etc., etc. But it might be just as dangerous to eyeball and estimate, or to base an assessment on how I physiologically feel. Without weighing, the overcompensation could be extreme and all because of misperception.

    I have been at this for 4 or 5 years, but have lost a true count, not to mention time better spent on better things. Most of my thinking and energy is devoted to “maintaining” weight. “This” is rarely about weight loss, yet overcompensation inevitably leads you there. At my lowest, I was 119 lbs. Breaking the 120 mark felt a bit like an Olympic feat at the time – a “take that!” to those threatening hospitalization, which managed to avoid to this day.

    As for being male and having “this”: With you girls, I imagine people suspect your eating disorders and then never really let go of that suspicion. With me, I think people probably suspect an eating disorder, or at least entertain the possibility, but then dismiss the idea as too out of the ordinary – even for a condition they understand to be anomalous by definition. This is either bad, because it staves off outside intervention; or it is good, because it staves off outside intervention.

    So it goes. Eternally, perhaps.

  29. aliyah

    kaily- hi im aliyah. i just wanted to say i read ur posts and i synpathise with you. i know, 2100 calories seems like so much and that ur just going to gain lots of weight from it but ur not. honestly. take this from someone who has gone through that, at a healthy weight and eats a lot of food. the weight becomes stable at a time. it takes more than u think to gain weight, 500 calories per day extra on top of what u normally eat equates to one pound weight gain! plus, recovery is about REgaining back the weight u lost. stay strong, as ur mind gets healthy and body gets fed the thoughts do get less in time.

  30. aliyah

    justin- its good to have a male on this. And in todays society , its hard for males just as it is for girls with eating disorders. males may be much less, but i believe theres lots of males hiding it and ar etoo scared for help. im sure some males wil read your post and realise there is a plce where they can let their feelings and thoughts out, and realise they arent alone 🙂

  31. Amelia

    Kaily, I just read your post and can totally understand exactly what your thinking.. Its like, you’ll listen to your dietician telling you all the sciency stuff about why you need 2100 cals a day.. but then youll hear someone talking about what they eat in a day and it seems like so much less! It still confuses me wayy too much!! But I guess we’ve just got to trust that our dieticians have our best interests at heart… and, at the end of the day their job is to make us healthy, which means that they wont make us overweight… but i totally understand how you feel..
    Maybe just try to focus on the little changes that your making right now, and dont think about what youll have to do in the future just yet.. I find it helps to take everything in tiny steps..
    Take care chuck =] x

  32. kaily

    Thank you girls for being so supportive and sweet. I feel a bit more motivated after reading what the three of you said. How are you guys doing?

    I just came back from a trip to Rome with my mum. For the first time in soo many years, I ate an ice cream, AND I didn´t beat myself up about it afterwards. I felt like a normal person, and THAT was a good feeling. I want more ice cream and less worries in the future;D

    xx

  33. aliyah

    hey amelia-i understand ur concern about dieticians. i remember when i was on my diet plan i couldnt believe how mch food was on it, i was like no theres just way to much, how can anyone possible eat this. but honestly 2000 calories is a very normal amount, and ur body gets used to it. as for what people say they eat, studies have shown a lot of people underestimate how mch they eat, and think they eat less than they do, plus ppl without an eating disorder dont have that attention to detail in regards to food, they will simply ‘forget’ exactly what theyve eaten.

    stick to the 2000 + cals 🙂 x

  34. Amy

    I have just recently begun to address my eating disorder (anorexia) for the second time around. The first time it got to extreme levels I was in grade ten, and I dropped to about 75 pounds. I basically turned it around overnight- I was told I should be taken to emergency, I got super scared, and began eating excessively for months to make up for the past year of starving myself. Most of my hair fell out (this was a big deal for me, because everyone knew me for my extremely long and blonde hair), and it took a good couple of years to grow it all back, thick and full. However, this winter I felt fat and disgusting; I wanted to lose weight so badly. So I did. I went down to 85 pounds, at 5’5. The reason why I started to eat more and get out of this obsession with calories, fats, sugars and carbs was because once again, my hair started to fall out. And I could not be more depressed then I am now. I just got my beautiful hair back, and now it’s coming out in multiple strands in the shower. Im starting my first year of University in the fall, and I am so scared that my focus will be on my thin locks and scalp than on making new friends and studies. I relapsed, ruining the last year of high school, and now ruining my fresh beginning.
    Because I ruined my last year of high school, I barely have any friends (I isolated myself from all of them, and because they didnt understand my anorexia, because i never told them straight out, they just got upset with me). I have my parents support, but sometimes I feel so alone.

  35. Kayla

    Aw Amy your story’s so sad. Sorry that anorexia has put you through that. But that doesn’t mean things have to be like that all the time. You can beat it and enjoy life, enjoy your fresh start at Uni. And your not alone, everyone on here understands what your going through and we’re all here to help. Everyone on here is at different stages of recovery and some are fully recovered and happy and healthy, which shows you it is possible.

    Keep eating, and nurish yourself. Without nutrition your body cant afford to keep your hair, nails, nice skin, then teeth, bones beccause its working so hard just to keep you alive and functioning without fuel. It literally eats away at itself. You can beat this x

  36. Amy

    Well I’ve been eating great for the past 3 weeks, and I had a long talk with my doctor about clinics and everything of that sort. He helped me believe that it would all be okay if I stuck with the right state of mind. Your comment really helped me have hope as well. I guess my hair starting to fall out was a wake up call to get healthy, and maybe an experience that will help me not to not fall in the same trap next time. Maybe my hair falling out even saved my life. Who knows.
    I scrolled up and read your experience with an ed, Kayla. And I’m really glad that you had a wake up call as well. That must have been awful being in hospitalization and a mental unit. And I know what you mean about the guilt and the shame you feel around others, because it is our choice that we do this to ourselves. But really, it’s not our fault.

  37. Amy

    Hi.. I havn’t posted here in a wile. I thought I was better. I was 8 stone 5 and happy. I started uni in september. I was eating normaly but sometimes having cereal for dinner.. some students do that neway. I came home last nite and I was 8 stone. I was happy.. then I binged.. I havnt in 6 months. This mornin I was 8 Stone 3. I cnt believe I put on 3 pounds in 1 night:( Im so sad and want to cut down on food now again.

  38. holly

    hi, ive been anorexic for about 3 years now but only had it confirmed in april 2010, its completely wrecked my life. i’m out of school and everything. it’s so hard because im in a mental hospital and just find it so hard to recover when everyone wants me to but i still have them doubts in my head. im eating to get out, nothing more and tbh im sick of it but i just can’t get rid of it

  39. Kaily

    Hi Holly hun. I´m in hospital too, and I feel huge and disgusting right now. And I feel so stupid… I thought I was going to die yesterday, had the worst collapse ever. Kept thinking “I dont want to die I dont want to die i dont want to die”.
    BUT I STILL CAN´T EAT TODAY. What is wrong with me!!!?
    I wish i could say anything to make you feel better, to make you eat and understand that you deserve to. It´s so much easier to give other people advice, isn´t it..?

    xx

  40. Holly

    Hi Kaily pet:) what age are you? i know how hard it is, i feel huge too. ive been in hospital for 4 months now, how long have you been in? im eating because i dont want to be drip fed:/ yeah its so much easier to give other people advice.. but you need to think about all your family and how that that alone will help you get through it all

    xox

  41. kaily

    I´m 21. How about you? I´ve only been in for 3 weeks, but I´ve been sick for a long time. Don´t want to keep on doing this to myself, but i can´t seem to break the habit…Are you scared of being normal weight-wise, or is it more of a control thing? For me, it´s mostly about control, and about making myself invisible in a way…My worst fear is getting “well” and discover it wasn´t worth it, and not having the ED to fall back on…Am I making sense at all?
    K

  42. Holly

    I’m 15. If you dont mind me asking you, what did your weight go down to? yea its just a cycle, once you think your free it comes back around again. To me it was never about my weight, but i love having hip bones showing, i dont want to lose them and i feel that if i get better i’ll just be shoved into the background and be like everybody else but i wanna stand out if you understand me.
    xo

  43. kaily

    You´re so young:/ I don´t want to talk about numbers and weight because it might influence you in a bad way. Besides…The weight is not always an indicator on how well or sick your are. I´m at a low weight right now, but I have been at a higher weight too, and I struggled just as bad..The thoughts where just as bad…
    Me too, like having hip bones showing, and sharp lines and cheekbones…but I wish i didn´t care about all that. It´s not worth THIS, what we´re going though. I definitely understand that you don´t want to be like everybody else. Me neither…But now, we´re different in all the wrong ways; unhealthy, constantly worried, pale, tired…Maybe it would be better to blend in, I don´t know…

  44. Holly

    yea everyone says im too young to have went through everything that ive been through:/ are they not forcing you to eat in there? babe you really need to eat and try your best to get it under control.. i dont want to be like everyone else, but i guess im going to have to find another way to stand out although i dont want to put on weight.. its so hard:/

  45. tuesday

    I’ve had purge-type anorexia for 3 years now. My mom died when I was 18…4 years ago. Ever since then I’ve felt lost and empty. I hate to eat but I love it…I obsess over food. But once I eat it, I lose my mind…and its all I can do to keep it down and even then…its not enough. I overexercise. I’ve been in inpatient and intensive outpatient and therapy does help once I’m at a healthy weight but…I just can’t seem to stay there. I just want to be normal and happy. I’m 22…this is supposed to be a great time in my life!

  46. Kate

    Hey everyone,
    i just happened to stumble across this website and all I can say is WOW! I’ve been anorexic for about 2 years now and I have lost count of how many times that I’ve made an attempt to recover. I’ve also been trying to find some website where I can relate to others and confide in each other because we are all going through the same thing. Just a week ago, I’ve decided to make another attempt at recovery. This time I want it to be the last one. Does anyone have any more suggestions on how to beat this???

  47. Chloe

    hi everyone- i’ve just been given a meal plan, it seems really big and im not sure whether i’ll be able to eat it. I’m really worried. How can i eat the amounts of foods on the meal plan without feeling so guilty?? HELP!!

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