this is a guest post by geb sheru geb. in this intriguing article, he takes up on my post about kiddie porn a while ago, and talks about how the process of obsession in a person who hunts for child pornography is similar to the process of obsessive thoughts of someone experiencing schizophrenic symptoms. walking into the “danger zone” of taboo confronts one with conflicting feelings and emotions. amplify such conflicts and you have the experience of schizophrenia.
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“oh be careful, little eyes, what you see…”
these are some of the words to a children’s song i learned during my primary school years in sabbath school. its counsel is one of guarding the gate to the sense of sight, the sense of hearing and the sense of touch. i limit my topic to this counsel only as the chorus of the song opens up a wholly unedifying discussion.
in the discussion that follows isabella’s post kiddie porn, reference is made to a kiddie porn website and one poster remarked in apparent horror, “i can’t believe people would even want to check those kinds of sites out!”
it is here that i would like to introduce a question for discussion’s sake; why would one not want to check those kinds of sites out?
my assertion is that the most likely answer is not for some sense of right or wrong, neither commiseration or empathy for the victims, but for fear of the feelings one may experience while viewing the images or reading the words found there.
during my time in university, one of my courses was sexual perversion in history and the modern age. in that course, i was exposed to the gamut of procedures and practices, pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, etc., etc.; many of which, only the most deranged would find anything but revolting, however, in the “right” presentation, revulsion disappeared and in its place a low level arousal surfaced.
i don’t believe that most of us will feel a lasting aversion in this “right” and “harmless,” “friendly” presentation. for the vast majority of us, the zenith of our human experience is the sensual pleasure leading up to and including the orgasm. we call it many things; love being the most common, but when the one you love is no longer there for you, does your zenith become something else? we seek another partner and call it love all over again. we are social, sensual beings, for better and for worse.
we might sound the bell of our own voice, while viewing images of exploited children, and drown out inappropriate feelings with, “oh, my god…that’s disgusting!” but the battle has begun, between the subliminal and the expressed.
i tried this for a while, expressing my disgust when some part of me was not. as i got deeper into the course matter, i began to notice patterns in my stimulation. and as the pathways became well lit, i became lost in the internal arguments along the way. first, the case justifying prepubescent sexual autonomy; then interrupting it was the argument against; back and forth like a caged animal it went. but the undeniable fact acknowledged by only the most painfully honest remained – i felt something.
now, amplify this many, many times over; amplify the semi-conscious, low-levels of arousal to dynamic bodily phenomenon; amplify the quiet monologue of the conscience to screaming accusations against whetted and angry declinations; now multiply them and amplify them again to a frequency that prevents you from finishing a meal, from walking one minute in the same direction, that makes even the comfort of sleep far distant. make this your life for a week; no make it a month, how about a year? then you might catch a glimpse of schizophrenia.
antipsychotics? the list is long, and for many of us, they are the only option. i struggled with over-medication for two years. i struggled with proper medication for three more until after just six weeks of a meditative practice called tranquility thru concentration, i put down my medication and began clearing my mind of all thoughts at will. two years, four months and three weeks later, i am still in the meds-free mode and achieving tranquility thru concentration moment-by-moment, day by day.
my name is geb sheru geb; i’ve written a little book (23,000 words) that tells my story of overcoming schizophrenia with meditation. you can find it at meds free mode.