those of you who have been here often may have noticed that i’ve become somewhat quiet lately. here’s why.
i’m trying to revamp my life a bit. bringing some things to a close, shedding others – basically making room for something new. what that new thing is, i don’t know (i guess that’s why it’s a “something”). i also am experiencing a time when i often don’t have a lot of energy.
trying to post less on this blog has been an interesting experience. writing these regular entries here has mostly been very positive – it’s honed my ability to quickly throw down a few words on a topic in such a way as to express myself at least somewhat clearly. it’s given me a structure to write on a very regular basis. perhaps most of all, it’s connected me to YOU – a wide variety of interesting and insightful people.
so why would i slow down when it’s such a great thing? i guess it’s what is sometimes referred to as a “luxury problem”: too much of a good thing is still too much. in fact, it may not be the writing and connecting in itself that is too much but the expectations i have around it. must post at least 4 times a week. must answer comments. etc. i’d like to experiment with wrenching myself away from these expectations and see what happens. probably some of them are good expectations (like answering comments). others might not be so useful.
the other thing that has been rattling around in my head lately, more than usual, is the whole concept of “improving on silence.” is what i am saying really that important? is the world truly a better place for me adding my voice to the 15 thousand gazillion voices already out there? i need some time to think about this.
i’m not planning to abandon this blog at all. however, i’d like to relax on how often i post, and maybe also on what i post. i’d like to stop or at least put on hold the construction project of building the ego-gratifying self image of “isabella mori the blogger.”
i understand why people who haven’t experienced severe depression believe that a mother who commits suicide is extremely selfish and totally careless in leaving her children to deal with that ugly and permanent baggage. but the truth is that i envisioned my suicide as an act of love for them. i was sure that by removing myself from the picture, i was affording david and katherine a chance to lead a normal life, as they would be no longer victims to my moodiness and despair. the way i saw it, if eric remarried a nice woman, my kids would be far better off than if i stuck around. so i began to search for a suitable bride and mother. i felt pressured to execute the plan as soon as possible, before david and katherine formed memories, before my depression shattered their innocent lives.
i tear up whenever i write this, but it was BECAUSE of, not despite of, my ferocious love for my children that i wanted to disappear.
i think we need to read about things like this more often. have you read about the common suicide myths? two of them are
talking to someone who is suicidal about suicide just makes the urge even worse
suicidal thoughts need to be kept secret so as not to embarrass or upset anyone.
such myths contribute to people keeping mum about the topic. they help bolster the feeling of discomfort or panic that many people feel when the topic is raised. “do we really have to talk about this?” “this is not the right time to discuss this” or “now you’ve spoiled the mood!” are typical reactions, uttered aloud or under the breath, when the word “suicide” rears its supposedly ugly head.
i’m so tired of mental health being a non-issue, and of life-and-death matters like suicide being brushed under the carpet because they’re not pretty. that’s why i’m glad that people like therese borchard lay out her suicidal thoughts for all to see. because you know what? bringing them out in the open goes hand in hand with her talking about how she made it out alive, how her children can keep hanging out with one cool mama.
in recognition of the importance of opening our mouths about this, versus keeping nice and quiet, raul and i have decided, in our limitless hive-mind wisdom, to dedicate this year’s MentalHealthCamp to “stigmatization through silence”. neat, huh? (only we’re looking for a catchier phrase. can you think of one?) oh, and the camp will take place on july 10.