random words about depression, collected from the past:
i must confess that during my depressive time, i was more productive, but that was because i didn’t focus on such things as selling the car, keeping the house clean, all those things that one does to stay gainfully alive.
i am fighting panic and depression and it looks like i’m winning. i mean, a little bit of panic keeps one on one’s toes and helps one appreciate the good things in life, and a little bit of depression gets one in touch with one’s underbelly but hey, enough is enough, and this one was getting too much for my taste.
it seems that whenever i spend too much time here in the house, depression sinks down on me. i have to get out. have to connect.
i’ve worked myself through two huge piles of paper. now i have a number of small piles of paper. i can’t think straight. what do i do now? i have anaesthesized myself with food: 6 or seven rice cakes and two cups of orange juice. that’ll do the trick. i am amused by the person who thinks addiction only refers to drugs. i am addicted to subtle forms of mood alteration. the crunch, crunch, crunch of the rice cakes in my brain, the brittleness of the dry rice and the sting of the orange juice acid on the roughened edges of the roof of my mouth will do. i cannot handle anything. i just pretend. i do a good job at pretending. and one day everything will blow up. – ok, i guess i am depressed. so what now. what if i let myself fall into this hole of depression. but of course i won’t. and how much longer? how much longer won’t i look into this hole? how much longer will i paste it over with rice (sic) paper? but if i fall into the hole i won’t know what to do anymore. all my knowledge will fall through and because it is heavier than me, this thin nothing-body, it will fall faster and disappear. and i will not even fall down the hole. i will just disappear into nothing somewhere half way. oh, she’s gone, oops.
i am depressed because we are going to visit my parents. i am depressed because i feel so goddam helpless. i am so sick and tired of all my coping mechanisms. but i don’t know what else to do.
i give up.
no: i have to give up. that is the only way.
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