the mission for today is to present the blog posting as a recipe. so here it is, something that as a former employment counsellor i feel highly qualified to present: that recipe for a bad resume that you’ve been looking for since before you received your last unemployment cheque!
- a long list of your educational accomplishments, including the guinea pig training course you took back in 1989
- a list of all the jobs you’ve ever had
- vague job descriptions
- at least three or four different fonts
- lots of acronyms
- spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes
- a picture of you and your dog or cat
- optional: pink or blue paper and an old printer; wingdings
- make sure your picture is the first thing the employer sees – the bigger, the better
- then add a detailed list of your education; don’t be afraid to mention every single geography and pottery course you’ve ever taken
- place all the jobs you’ve ever had on the resume; it doesn’t really matter in what order
- sprinkle liberally with typos, acronyms and other interesting mistakes
- cook it in different fonts (the combination helvetica bold, comic italics and allegro script is particularly tasty)
you may want to add a few wingdings (pretty stars?), and if you really want to stand out, disregard the “email only” request in the job ad. instead, print the resume on your old dot matrix printer, preferably on pink paper, and deliver it in person. if the receptionist does not immediately place it on the boss’s desk, it’s okay to yell at her or him.
things to remember:
- do not read the job ad or any other information about the employer (very important!)
- the more words you have on that resume, the better; three pages are better than two, four pages are better than three
- this type of resume is best sent two to five days past the deadline
- before you send the resume, double check that it is boring, long-winded, hard to read and disregards the employer’s needs.
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