i still believe i am the gutter queen,
green slime all over me,
long, torn red ribbons in my filthy hair.
i’m bobbing up and down in rain-drenched clothes
in my black ship up on a raging river in the sewer.
i’m comfortable thinking that i’ll never be up there,
competing with the humans for a nice, clean table,
i’m comfortable thinking that i’m different than they.
i’m comfortable on my black ship, i,
the gutter queen.
and i don’t want to think, “what if” …
that is the beginning of the poem i showed you yesterday.
i want to tell you a little bit about how it came about and what writing it did for me.
a few days before i had had a phone conversation where i felt accused of being unfair and arrogant. it was clear to me that any further conversation with that person would just make things worse for both him and myself, so i had not choice but to deal with it on my end.
i felt agitated and, well, simply bad. the old “me” would have had different versions of long conversations with that person – all in my head, of course. the new “me”, however, knew that the only person i could have these mental conversations with was myself.
so i started asking myself questions like
“what is it that makes me feel so agitated?”
“where do i feel that feeling in my body?”
“what memories come up as i experience these feelings?”
“what mental images go with all of this?”
the mental image that kept coming up was of being in the gutter. like so many other women – old or young, successful or not – i had this deep-seated fear of insecurity, thinking that any moment now i might end up a bag lady – in the gutter.
rather than chasing this image away, i painted it. and since i paint with words, i turned it into a poem. i was given the grace to look the demon right in the eye, rather than running away from it.
a few days later i wrote another poem. it was much lighter, much more hopeful.
and a few weeks later i noticed that that nagging little fear of becoming a bag lady that had always been with me had diminished to almost nothing. shining a light on it had faded it away.
isabella mori
moritherapy
counselling in vancouver
(this post has been included in the carnival for creative growth #11)
What a wonderful example of working through an issue with creativity and healing from it. Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing
What a wonderful example of working through an issue with creativity and healing from it. Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing
Your post is beautiful. Even if you were expressing difficult emotions, I found this piece beautiful. Thanks.
Your post is beautiful. Even if you were expressing difficult emotions, I found this piece beautiful. Thanks.
Isabella, what a beautiful name. Your poem and story of healing are beautiful too. I think you have addressed a deep-seated fear for a lot of us. Thanks for sharing the way that you also healed that issue for yourself. I am facing some of my own issues right now on my blog. Thanks for being the light at the end of the tunnel.
Isabella, what a beautiful name. Your poem and story of healing are beautiful too. I think you have addressed a deep-seated fear for a lot of us. Thanks for sharing the way that you also healed that issue for yourself. I am facing some of my own issues right now on my blog. Thanks for being the light at the end of the tunnel.
thanks for all the lovely comments, everyone. it shows that when i speak from my heart, other hearts hear me …
thanks for all the lovely comments, everyone. it shows that when i speak from my heart, other hearts hear me …